I am a gardener without a garden and have been since spring (2016) when I dug up my flower beds and sold hundreds of plants. Going through a divorce and knowing I was going to sell the house, I had to I create mulched boring beds that would be easy for a new home owner to manage. 
I am currently looking for a new home to start my life as an empty nester and a divorcee with 2 dogs, 2 cats, and a love of all things green, colorful, and beautiful. I dream every night about finding this new home with lots of room for my new gardens. Plus I have to find and buy this new home with a not so realistic price tag.
This is not what I had imagined
When I turned 50 back in February 2016, I counted down the days for my youngest son to graduate high school and I dreamt of the day I would find my dream home in the country and return to the country life my husband (now ex) and I had talked about for years. Our dream (I guess it was actually mine all along) was to find a house with a wrap around porch overlooking the pasture with farm animals grazing and a big red barn. The perfect setting as I gaze out my window and to be inspired to write that book and fill my life with peace and joy. 
I am a gardener without a garden and I have struggled with the sadness. It is a sadness that has consumed me at times. I have not been to a garden center since last fall and I can barely walk through the garden center at my local home stores without feeling a sense of loss and twinge of grief because I cannot buy a plant and enjoy the beauty of the blooms in my garden…because I do not have any flower gardens.
I struggle every day to feel in touch with nature
I have even shed tears over my thoughts about just letting go of my houseplants and other tropical garden plants. Letting go and not bringing them in and just letting go of the idea of gardening and nurturing my green thumb. But then I remember that some of them are from my dad’s funeral over 17 years ago and I just cannot let go of the connection. Gardening is my connect to nature.
My gardens were cultivated from red clay dirt that was so barren weeds did not even grow. The yard was shaded from more than 18 Oak Trees on less than a 1/4 acre plot. I had a few Oaks taken out and had the tree guy limb these beautiful 30-50 Oaks up to the canopy allowing the sun to finally hit the ground. For 8 years gardening was my therapy for my unhappiness and burying the denial of a marriage that had been troubled from the very start. The bees, blooms, butterflies, and beauty that exploded in my gardens made me happy.
I am a gardener without a garden. Therapy of dirt under the nails, the smell of a flower, and the buzz of a bee as it lands next to you in the garden. I miss that. I am pouring my heart out because anyone who tends a garden- flower or vegetable- knows the joy that gardening can bring to your soul. The first bloom of the season, watching a butterfly flutter from flower to flower, or the first tomato you pick off the vine…there is nothing so special as those moments in nature.
The Iris, hostas, and many assorted perennials in pots or sitting closely woven together in an area in the dappled shade waiting for their new home…since July my (15 or more varieties of) Iris have been scattered about on top of the ground just waiting to be planted. The ferns, hostas, and even heuchera are just happily crowded back there in the back of my yard hidden from view. I even have some phlox, coneflowers, and hydrangeas mixed in. I have packets of seeds waiting to be sown…
I continue to house hunt and dream about my new home on the edge of a small town with room for a veggie garden, orchard, tons of flower beds, greenhouse, chicken coop, barn, and a workshop. It has been quite exhausting putting aside the past and moving forward stuck in my house which is not a home without my flower gardens. Is this my dream? Am I still a gardener? It is very difficult for me to pass a garden center and not think about what I am…
I am a gardener without a garden
Thanks for stopping by and reading my story. Check out my other stories too.
Creating. Inspiring. Gardening without the rules!
copyrighted 2017 C Renee Cumberworth
My heart is breaking for you…
thank you. it is a hard journey right now but I need to keep dreaming
I am on a similar journey with a different back story. I don’t think that love of gardening, the therapy of digging in the dirt, and the miracle of watching it grow and change season in and season out ever goes away. Find a way where you can. It is healing.
thank you. i know it is the sadness that overwhelms me- I do love gardening and it makes me happy. Good luck on your journey as well
You will ALWAYS be a gardener and will be planning a new garden to be. Your writing is beautiful and you seem to have the passion, as I know how it feels to be a true gardener. You carry it with you always because it is a part of ,you. For now…dream lots, visit many nurseries and look at plants…just to get that fix, and maybe make a list of what is to be. (Lee@A Guide to Northeastern Gardening)
thank you. this means a lot. my love of plants spans over 40 years!
Beautiful pictures !!
Lara
thank you so much.
This is soooo sad. I hope you have found happiness in your new home now, but what you did to your “old” home is truly remarkable! You have wonderful curb appeal, lots of inviting flowers, a cheerful entry, and loads of charm out back… I assume you have to move? Because your home has so much heart already 🙂
For me, gardening is my connect to God. I see his hands in all things nature. The whole mysterious creation and incredible balance of it all is on such a grand scale, yet even the smallest thing can positively amaze me.
Yes I have to move. I delayed the sale of the home but now it is time to move. Hard to find a home right now in my budget but I have hope. Thank you for the compliments. I dug up my shade garden and most of the flowers so now they are waiting in pots for the new gardens.